There have been a few changes in my life as of recently. Good changes, for the most part. Work is still stressful and I feel under appreciated. But aside from that, Eric and I are growing closer, at least in my opinion. Eric is happier, which always makes me happier. We are making lots of new friends, and friendships are deepening with others.
Along with that we have found a new home among a body of believers who are amazing people. I feel a beginning of a renewal of my faith. I know that all Christians go through phases in their walk and phases of growth. You have mountains and valleys and in order to get to the next mountain you need to go through a valley. I have been in this valley and I am ready to climb this mountain. I feel this awakening in my heart. I praise God for pushing me and leading not just me but Eric to just the right place and putting people in our lives that build up and encourage us. I am amazed and blessed by what God is doing in me and I pray that it continues.
So, what is this?
HAPPINESS!
Its been a few years long over due but for the first time in a long while...I am happy, spiritually happy.
A song from Glee that brings me to tears. A song that hits too close to home. I'm sure I'm not alone.
For years I have struggled with self-esteem issues. I have never been happy with how I looked. I always thought to myself, "I am too fat. I am too short. I don't have blonde hair. I don't have a pretty face/flawless skin. I hate my teeth, my chin, my thighs. I'm so awkward. I hate my voice and my laugh. I'm too shy so I don't make friends easily. I didn't have a lot of friends. I made friends with the other "ugly ducklings", so I got treated/still get treated as an outcast. And while my friends got boyfriend, I didnt because no guy was interested me. Why would they? For years, I would pretend that it didn't bother me. But I was kidding myself. I hide behind a wall of self hate hoping that some days I would just disappear or become invisible to the world. Obviously that didn't happen.
I look(ed) around to see everyone happy, happy while I crumbled to pieces on the inside. I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror. I am constantly noticing all that's wrong with me. I'm still fat. I have stretch marks and I don't even have kids yet. I have a double chin. My skin isn't perfect. I still hate my thighs, and my cottage cheese ass. I want one time, one time where I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. I want to be happy like everyone else. I want to not feel the way I feel. I want to love myself instead of hating myself. I still get the glances, the leers, the glares and dirty looks. People are not as discreet as they think they are. It hurts. It hurts everytime. And I know that I am such a hypocrite telling other people to not care what other people think, when I myself care, desperately! I'm always secretly screaming for approval from others. I want someone to look at me without glancing at me with disgust even its in the briefest of moments. I want people to see me and accept me.
If I was taller, was like a size 2, didn't have glasses, perfect skin, beautiful smile, silky, shiny hair, pretty toes (even though I hate feet in general), great thighs, nice caboose, nice voice, nice laugh, long graceful neck, legs that went on for miles, perhaps then I'll be happy, people will treat me better. I don't want to live like this. I don't feeling like this. There are days, most days, I wonder what is that Eric sees me. I'm not beautiful, not even pretty at best. I know it's selfish to think that changing myself will make me happier with myself. I just want to be happy with myself, accepting myself. It's an ongoing battle, that I most often lose. Someday, I will conquer.
This is me being a little cynical. But sums me up in quirky little comic. I will end on a positive note. There is one thing I do like about myself: my nose and my eyes. Perhaps that's a start.....
So I guess it's been awhile since my last blog and it was a rather heated blog. Sometimes, I just have to write my thoughts and feelings down so I don't explode.
It's been a long and stressful year, for me physically, mentally, and medically. Some days, I don't know how I survive. It's by the grace of God. I'm sick of doctors. I'm sick of being poked and prodded with no answers. But I will put that aside and continue to pray for answers to at least SOMETHING. One day? *shrugs* not likely.
Eric got a new job, which I am very happy for him. He had been so unhappy with his previous job. He was constantly angry. There were days it was hard to be around him. I told him the same thing when he was unhappy with his job at Stogdills. Either suck it up and stop complaining or get a new job. So he did. I am so thankful he did. He is happier, and hopefully this is a job that he can really grow in. It's better pay (which I will never complain about). And cool thing is? We can carpool. It's interesting to say the least. But I am happy for him none-the-less. Now if only my job....*shakes head*, never going to happen.
Aside from that, we are healthy. We have healthy fur-children. God is good and has provided many blessings on us. Some days I get so wrapped up in my everyday life and forget all what God has done for me and Eric and I. I know I don't always seem like it, but I am thankful. I have a great husband (who is the handsomest man alive and I adore), I have great friends, who accept me for me, and I have a family who is supportive. And that's all I need.
So this is all a little random, and I think it's because I am really tired. Perhaps this is a signal to go to bed. Good night to whoever reads this...
Here is what I think. So listen up! I just have to get this off my chest before I explode. But there are two things that really bother me. So here it goes:
1) If we werent friends when we were kids. we still arent friends now, why do you think I want to be friends with you on facebook. I think after the 3rd time of denying your request that you would get the hint/picture/clue that I dont want to be friends. You have made my childhood a living nightmare. You made me think that it did matter what I did, I was unwanted, that you could turn my own friends' backs on me, that I was unpretty and that you were more important, special than me and prettier than me because your parents were important people. I wasted too many years and too many tears trying to gain approval.This is ridiculous. YOU are ridiculous! Now I suppose you "want" to be friends with me oblivious to everything or that you "want" to be friends just so that you could secretly keep tabs on me or maybe it just makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I dont know. I dont care. Just STOP! You have ruined enough friendships and my life already.
2) unrelated to #1. You said you couldnt be friends with me (us) anymore because we werent "Christian" enough because we didnt spend 24/7/356 talking about God, praying or reading the Bible. So you decided to sever the ties using unsound doctrine to justify your reasoning. The you come gala-venting back into our lives after 1+ years expecting everything to be hunky dory. Well its not.And the whole time you ignore me, ridicule me and you expect me to welcome you back with open arms. Man do you have a faulty way of showing/proving you want to be friends.And I know that your partner in crime is going to say I have a bitter heart. I dont have a bitter heart. I hold my heart with great regard. I have had my heart broken too many times and I kept giving people 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 10+ changes only have the rug pulled out from under me. I trust easily and get crushed/let down for it. I am learning from past experiences. So no! No I dont want be friends again. Not now. Not ever, especially with someone who "questioned" my faith when I havent given any reason for you to question it. You stand with someone who is so absorbed in himself that he has led you blindly down the wrong path and told me husband to turn away from me when I stood up for myself. Because I will not! Will not be silenced! I owe no apology for my behavior because I am not the one with the problem.
So needless to say, if I dont have you as a friend on facebook, then there probably is a reason. Either I havent added you yet or I dont want to be friends with you!....Thats all.
Im not entirely sure how to start this, so I suppose I will just start writing and see how it all unfolds.
I strongly desire to have kids, especially since after my miscarriage I had 2 1/2 years ago. I know that it wasnt all that big of a deal. I was only 6 or 7 weeks along. The doctors say that it is very common for young women to have a miscarriage for their 1st pregnancies. So I guess Im not surprised at all that this happened. But ever since then, I have had such a desire to have kids. I want to be able to give Mr. P a child. I want to able to raise, teach, and LOVE someone that was created between us (sorry if that sounded graphic). Kids are such a wonderful blessing and an incredible miracle gifted from God, I know this. And knowing that and believing in it are two different things and it is hard believing in sometimes, especially when we both desire and are praying.
It is so disheartening when we have been trying and its nothing. Its almost as if we are trying in vain. Its almost a sick and twisted game in which while we are doing all that we can, being Godly about it and you have to sit back while everyone around you seems to be blessed. I want to be able to give Mr. P this wonderful gift. I know that he will such a wonderful father, beyond a doubt, better father than I will a mother. Its indescribable.
I feel so disheartened that it seems after all our efforts, nothing. I pray and I keep praying. Nothing. I know the risk it could be for me. Knowing that, I am willing to take that risk. And if God does bless us with such a miracle, it would be for a reason. God knows. God has a plan, for me, for Mr. P and for the both of us. I know being a high risk that there is a chance that we could never get pregnant, or SHOULD get pregnant, and that in of itself is hard knowing and realizing.
The need, the desire is so strong. I know it sounds selfish. And perhaps it is a little selfish. And perhaps that is why we havent gotten pregnant. But anybody who wants to have kids and plans them, isnt that also being selfish and yet those people are getting their wishes. I know that was a rather jealous thing to say. It doesnt stop the feelings. The hurt.
However, I must remain faithful that God will bless us beyond our wildest imaginations as long as we remain faithful and true and trust in God and know that there is a reason, and a plan and that God LOVES us SOOOO much, its incomprehensible, its a amazing. NO matter how frustrated I am, there is a reason and a plan......we, I just have to be patient......*sighs heavily*....perhaps one day, I will learn to be patient.
~End Transmission
AP
*listening to: the sounds of the keys clacking on the keyboard.
Ok, so I have a bone to pick. and thats bathroom etiquette. Yes, that's exactly right. Now I have been noticing something quite interesting, that I dont think most of us are conscientious thinking about it. But yes, even women have a bathroom etiquette and its similar the men's bathroom etiquette. Interested?
Ok, so here it goes:
A woman walks into a bathroom. There are three stalls. She takes either the 1st or last stall, never the middle stall. If two women walk into the bathroom and there are three stalls, one woman takes the 1st stall and the second woman takes the last stall. Never the middle stall. There should always be a stall between you and the next person. Here is a diagram (dont pay attention to the urinals. Notice the middle one, if done correctly, is empty.
I have also come to the conclusion that the only time the middle bathroom stall should be used if you are out in public or at the workplace, is for two reasons. All the other stalls are taken or if you are going to the bathroom with your friend
Which leads us to the next little segment of bathroom etiquette. If you go to the bathroom and you go with a friend, its almost imperative to take the two stalls next to each other, so that you may continue to carry on whatever conversation you were already engaged in. If you are not with a friend in the bathroom and you are stuck in the situation in which there is no stall between you and the next person. There really is no need to engage in conversation.
Now I have enlightened you on the proper bathroom etiquette for the women's bathroom. This rule doesnt only apply to men, much to popular belief. This has been my observation. If you feel/think that what I say is incorrect, do please entertain me. I am open.
So its been awhile since I last blogged. Nothing exciting has been going on in the world of Annie. I went in for testing to see whats going on with my kidneys last month. So here it breaks down:
1) THe main concern to test was for was Lupus. Now I have done a little research for those of us who dont know about it. Lupus is an autoimmune disease, in which your body starts over producing the anitbodies that are used to fight off infections. The body will then start to attack itself treating different organs in the body as foreign. The body does this thinking its protecting itself when all actuality its doing more damage. One of the symptoms of Lupus is Kidney failure and the unfiltering of blood and protein from the urine. There is no real cure for Lupus. Scientists are still unsure if its genetic or not or how its developed. You cannot pass it on like a cold or the flu. Some people can have it all their life and it can choose to affect the body or go into remission and attack later. So the test results came back: negative. Thankfully
2) Part of the testing was having to do a urine sample to test the protein count and kidney function. My kidney function came back normal. My protein count was 600 (i dont know what their measurements are). Normal people have a protein count that hover around 100. My protein count is 6x as much as normal people. They start worrying about people when the protein count is higher than 1000. and consider it life threatening about 2000 (considered kidney failure). So what are they going to do? Nothing Just monitor as they are unsure whats causing it to be so high. So for awhile I will need to have the same tests done every few months. if it ever increases to a point where they start to worry, I have will have to have a biopsy done, which is sticking a big @$$ needle into my back and taking a tissue sample of my kidney. YAY! NOT!
3) Last but not least, the doctor doesnt want us to be having kids because I would be at a very risk of developing preeclampsia very early on in the pregnancy. Preeclampsia usually develops around 20weeks of pregnancy and only 5% of these women will develope it. 3 main symptoms: a) high blood pressure, b) fluid retention, c) high protein count in the urine. Now seeing as I already have symptom c, can cause some flags. Having high protein in the urine is harmful to baby as the kidneys are not properly filtering all the bad toxins away. High blood pressure is harmful to baby as it can cut off the oxygen supply to the baby which will cause the baby not to develop properly or fully. Its very important to get checked because if left uchecked preeclampsia will claim the lives of both momma an baby because momma could essentially have a stroke. if the woman is diagnosed then she is usually induced as early as possible so that there is no potential of death for either baby or mother. So where does that leave me? If a woman will get diagnosed with this halfway through their pregnancy they will usually have their baby 1 or 2 months early depending on when she is diagnosed and how bad it is. But if I develop it pretty much right away, how far will I be able to carry the baby? How soon would they have to induce me seeing as that is the ONLY way it will have to be. It is deliver or die thats how serious Preeclampsia can and would be. And it makes me very scared. I know that EP and I would like to have kids sometime in the future but at what cost? My life? The life of our baby? I know of woman who have been put in this situation of being a high risk pregnancy and I cannot imagine how scary that would be. I know that God wouldnt give us anything that we cant handle. And if we were to get pregnant and I do develop Preeclampsia at a very early stage in the pregnancy, there would be a reason behind it. I know that if we trust and believe, God would bring us through. But until that happens its hard to think or believe. Its not that I dont have trust in my God because He is all-powerful and loves me. I dont know its a lot to think of and absorb.
Next month (September) I have to come in for those follow up tests and meet with the kidney specialist to see how everything is going and see what they want to do, if Im getting better or worse, or staying about the same. I know everything happens for a reason and if God decides to bless us with a baby through all of this, there would a reason and it would be a wonderful miracle. I cannot wait to be a mother, if or when God decides to bless us. Wish me luck next month as I await anxiously to see whats going on with me.......
