Frustration

I know that in my last blog I talked about being happy.And I am, in my spiritual life, I am. We have found a home where people like us and are taking the time to invest in us. I look forward to these relationships growing. I cannot wait.

However, there are a few certain things in which I am not happy about. Well, for starters, I have been having some issues. Woman issues, that I know that most of you don't want to be hearing about. It's been throwing off my system/cycle   I have had several tests, and all my hormones are in check. I had an ultrasound to see if it was polycystic ovaries and that test came back negative, like I knew they would, because everything that goes wrong with seems to come back negative.  No surprise there, right? *sighs*. 

It all started going down hill when that time came and it was just agonizing pain. I went to the doctor, he placed my on a high dosage of all estrogen pills to help stop everything. Everything was ok for the next couple of months. I went to go see another doctor, one that my insurance would cover. She doesn't seem to know what's wrong or what's the cause for everything. So, the answer? Put me on medication. Again, no surprise there, right? I started the medication, hoping that this would help. Not really. The medication was really hard on me and I had to stop taking it. I can only take feeling nauseous for so long and after almost four weeks straight, I had to stop.

I had my checkup last month. Still the same answer, "I dont know what's wrong". I give them little credit that at least they are honest when they say "I dont know what's wrong" instead of leading you around like a dog on a leash trying to fish for something and give you vague answers. *sighs*. At this checkup the doc gave me two choices, continue the medication. To which, I replied, "I can't, or the dosage has to be lowered." This was first option. I buckled down and tried it again. After a week or two with the nausea from this blasted medication. I said enough was enough. Time for option number two.

Option #2: go back on birth control for like six months in order to reboot my system. I talked it over with Eric, who was willing to move forward with this idea.  I called the doctor, who was willing to give me a couple of months samples. I haven't started it yet, but honestly, I am not sure if I am looking forward to it. We are already having no luck getting pregnant, and here I am going back onto the pill which is to prevent pregnancy. I don't know if I want to go through with this. I don't want to go through with this. It breaks my heart. All Eric wants is to get me healthy, but I think to myself, that will never happen.

I want children. It's such a burning desire and it just breaks heart, when I hear about the next person who gets pregnant, when I hear about the next person who just had a baby.  I am so saddened to the point of anger. I am angry. Angry, that it can't happen. Now on top of top of that, Im going to take something that will hinder our chances even more?  There are days that I just want to break down. One of these day I just know that I am going to crack and I wont be able to take it anymore and Im not going to tell the next person I hear is pregnant that I am happy for them.  I just want to cry and cry and beat my fists and kick my feet. But that is childish. 

Will this ever end?  Perhaps we shall see. I pray that this works. That I can just buckle down and get this started and perhaps that this will work. I pray that I can get some answers even it is just more than the "The I don't know what's wrong with you".

What is this?

There have been a few changes in my life as of recently. Good changes, for the most part. Work is still stressful and I feel under appreciated. But aside from that, Eric and I are growing closer, at least in my opinion.  Eric is happier, which always makes me happier.  We are making lots of new friends, and friendships are deepening with others.

Along with that we have found a new home among a body of believers who are amazing people. I feel a beginning of a renewal of my faith. I know that all Christians go through phases in their walk and phases of growth. You have mountains and valleys and in order to get to the next mountain you need to go through a valley. I have been in this valley and I am ready to climb this mountain. I feel this awakening in my heart. I praise God for pushing me and leading not just me but Eric to just the right place and putting people in our lives that build up and encourage us. I am amazed and blessed by what God is doing in me and I pray that it continues.

So, what is this?

HAPPINESS!

Its been a few years long over due but for the first time in a long while...I am happy, spiritually happy.

Unpretty/I Feel Pretty

A song from Glee that brings me to tears. A song that hits too close to home. I'm sure I'm not alone.

For years I have struggled with self-esteem issues. I have never been happy with how I looked. I always thought to myself, "I am too fat. I am too short. I don't have blonde hair. I don't have a pretty face/flawless skin. I hate my teeth, my chin, my thighs. I'm so awkward. I hate my voice and my laugh. I'm too shy so I don't make friends easily. I didn't have a lot of friends. I made friends with the other "ugly ducklings", so I got treated/still get treated as an outcast. And while my friends got boyfriend, I didnt because no guy was interested me. Why would they? For years, I would pretend that it didn't bother me. But I was kidding myself. I hide behind a wall of self hate hoping that some days I would just disappear or become invisible to the world.  Obviously that didn't happen.

I look(ed) around to see everyone happy, happy while I crumbled to pieces on the inside. I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror. I am constantly noticing all that's wrong with me. I'm still fat. I have stretch marks and I don't even have kids yet.  I have a double chin. My skin isn't perfect. I still hate my thighs, and my cottage cheese ass. I want one time, one time where I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. I want to be happy like everyone else. I want to not feel the way I feel. I want to love myself instead of hating myself. I still get the glances, the leers, the glares and dirty  looks.  People are not as discreet as they think they are. It hurts. It hurts everytime. And I know that I am such a hypocrite  telling other people to not care what other people think, when I myself care, desperately! I'm always secretly screaming for approval from others. I want someone to look at me without glancing at me with disgust even its in the briefest of moments. I want people to see me and accept me.

If I was taller, was like a size 2, didn't have glasses, perfect skin,  beautiful smile, silky, shiny hair, pretty toes (even though I hate feet in general), great thighs, nice caboose, nice voice, nice laugh, long graceful neck, legs that went on for miles, perhaps then I'll be happy, people will treat me better. I don't want to live like this. I don't feeling like this. There are days, most days, I wonder what is that Eric sees me. I'm not beautiful, not even pretty at best. I know it's selfish to think that changing myself will make me happier with myself. I just want to be happy with myself, accepting myself. It's an ongoing battle, that I most often lose. Someday, I will conquer.

This is me being a little cynical. But sums me up in quirky little comic. I will end on a positive note. There is one thing I do like about myself:  my nose and my eyes. Perhaps that's a start.....




--End Transmission
AP



*currently listening to: "In My Arms" by Plumb

Long time no blog

So I guess it's been awhile since my last blog and it was a rather heated blog. Sometimes, I just have to write my thoughts and feelings down so I don't explode.

It's been a long and stressful year, for me physically, mentally, and medically.  Some days, I don't know how I survive. It's by the grace of God. I'm sick of doctors. I'm sick of being poked and prodded with no answers. But I will put that aside and continue to pray for answers to at least SOMETHING. One day? *shrugs* not likely.

Eric got a new job, which I am very happy for him. He had been so unhappy with his previous job. He was constantly angry. There were days it was hard to be around him. I told him the same thing when he was unhappy with his job at Stogdills. Either suck it up and stop complaining or get a new job. So he did. I am so thankful he did. He is happier, and hopefully this is a job that he can really grow in. It's better pay (which I will never complain about). And cool thing is? We can carpool. It's interesting to say the least. But I am happy for him none-the-less. Now if only my job....*shakes head*, never going to happen.

Aside from that, we are healthy. We have healthy fur-children. God is good and has provided many blessings on us. Some days I get so wrapped up in my everyday life and forget all what God has done for me and Eric and I.  I know I don't always seem like it, but I am thankful. I have a great husband (who is the handsomest man alive and I adore), I have great friends, who accept me for me,  and I have a family who is supportive. And that's all I need.

So this is all a little random, and I think it's because I am really tired. Perhaps this is a signal to go to bed. Good night to whoever reads this...


--End Transmission
AP



*watching Eric play on XBox

Venting

Here is what I think. So listen up! I just have to get this off my chest before I explode. But there are two things that really bother me. So here it goes:

1) If we werent friends when we were kids. we still arent friends now, why do you think I want to be friends with you on facebook. I think after the 3rd time of denying your request that you would get the hint/picture/clue that I dont want to be friends. You have made my childhood a living nightmare. You made me think that it did matter what I did, I was unwanted, that you could turn my own friends' backs on me, that I was unpretty and that you were more important, special than me and prettier than me because your parents were important people. I wasted too many years and too many tears trying to gain approval.This is ridiculous. YOU are ridiculous! Now I suppose you "want" to be friends with me oblivious to everything or that you "want" to be friends just so that you could secretly keep tabs on me or  maybe it just makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I dont know. I dont care. Just STOP! You have ruined enough friendships and my life already.

2) unrelated to #1. You said you couldnt be friends with me (us) anymore because we werent "Christian" enough because we didnt spend 24/7/356 talking about God, praying or reading the Bible. So you decided to sever the ties using unsound doctrine to justify your reasoning. The you come gala-venting back into our lives after 1+ years expecting everything to be hunky dory. Well its not.And the whole time you ignore me, ridicule me and you expect me to welcome you back with open arms. Man do you have a faulty way of showing/proving you want to be friends.And I know that your partner in crime is going to say I have a bitter heart. I dont have a bitter heart. I hold my heart with great regard. I have had my heart broken too many times and I kept giving people 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 10+ changes only have the rug pulled out from under me. I trust easily and get crushed/let down for it. I am learning from past experiences. So no! No I dont want be friends again. Not now. Not ever, especially with someone who "questioned" my faith when I havent given any reason for you to question it. You stand with someone who is so absorbed in himself that he has led you blindly down the wrong path and told me husband to turn away from me when I stood up for myself. Because I will not! Will not be silenced! I owe no apology for my behavior because I am not the one with the problem.

So needless to say, if I dont have you as a friend on facebook, then there probably is a reason. Either I havent added you yet or I dont want to be friends with you!....Thats all.





--End Transmission
AP




*Watching: Iron Chef America

Patience

Im not entirely sure how to start this, so I suppose I will just start writing and see how it all unfolds.

I strongly desire to have kids, especially since after my miscarriage I had 2 1/2 years ago. I know that it wasnt all that big of a deal. I was only 6 or 7 weeks along. The doctors say that it is very common for young women to have a  miscarriage for their 1st pregnancies. So I guess Im not surprised at all that this happened. But ever since then, I have had such a desire to have kids. I want to be able to give Mr. P a child. I want to able to raise, teach, and LOVE someone that was created between us (sorry if that sounded graphic). Kids are such a wonderful blessing and an incredible miracle gifted from God, I know this. And knowing that and believing in it are two different things and it is hard believing in sometimes, especially when we both desire and are praying.

It is so disheartening when we have been trying and its nothing. Its almost as if we are trying in vain. Its almost a sick and twisted game in which while we are doing all that we can, being Godly about it and you have to sit back while everyone around you seems to be blessed. I want to be able to give Mr. P this wonderful gift. I know that he will such a wonderful father, beyond a doubt, better father than I will a mother. Its indescribable.

I feel so disheartened that it seems after all our efforts, nothing. I pray and I keep praying. Nothing. I know the risk it could be for me. Knowing that, I am willing to take that risk. And if God does bless us with such a miracle, it would be for a reason. God knows. God has a plan, for me, for Mr. P and for the both of us. I know being a high risk that there is a chance that we could never get pregnant, or SHOULD get pregnant, and that in of itself is hard knowing and realizing.

The need, the desire is so strong. I know it sounds selfish. And perhaps it is a little selfish. And perhaps that is why we havent gotten pregnant. But anybody who wants to have kids and plans them, isnt that also being selfish and yet those people are getting their wishes. I know that was a rather jealous thing to  say. It doesnt stop the feelings. The hurt.

However, I must remain faithful that God will bless us beyond our wildest imaginations as long as we remain faithful and true and trust in God and know that there is a reason, and a plan and that God LOVES us SOOOO much, its incomprehensible, its a amazing. NO matter how frustrated I am, there is a reason and a plan......we, I just have to be patient......*sighs heavily*....perhaps one day, I will learn to be patient.



~End Transmission
AP




*listening to: the sounds of the keys clacking on the keyboard. 

Etiquette

Ok, so I have a bone to pick. and thats bathroom etiquette. Yes, that's exactly right. Now I have been noticing something quite interesting, that I dont think most of us are conscientious thinking about it. But yes, even women have a bathroom etiquette and its similar the men's bathroom etiquette. Interested?

Ok, so here it goes:

A woman walks into a bathroom. There are three stalls. She takes either the 1st or last stall, never the middle stall. If two women walk into the bathroom and there are three stalls, one woman takes the 1st stall and the second woman takes the last stall. Never the middle stall. There should always be a stall between you and the next person. Here is a diagram (dont pay attention to the urinals. Notice the middle one, if done correctly, is empty.

I have also come to the conclusion that the only time the middle bathroom stall should be used if you are out in public or at the workplace, is for two reasons. All the other stalls are taken or if you are going to the bathroom with your friend

Which leads us to the next little segment of bathroom etiquette. If you go to the bathroom and you go with a friend, its almost imperative to take the two stalls next to each other, so that you may continue to carry on whatever conversation you were already engaged in. If you are not with a friend in the bathroom and you are stuck in the situation in which there is no stall between you and the next person. There really is no need to engage in conversation.

Now I have enlightened you on the proper bathroom etiquette for the women's bathroom. This rule doesnt only apply to men, much to popular belief. This has been my observation. If you feel/think that what I say is incorrect, do please entertain me. I am open.

--End Transmission

AP

*Currently watching: Family Guy