Random Ramblings

Good evening. It's been awhile. There are a few things that  just dont understand and for one they just bug the bejeezus out of me. So let's get to it.

1) I dont understand drinking to the point of getting drunk, at any age. You dont look cool. It doesnt make you cool. In fact it makes you look silly, foolish and just plain stupid.  I think drinking to the point of getting drunk, shows a lack maturity. And when you start having kids and get wasted, to me, it shows a lack judgement and responsibility. Now, I dont have a problem with having a drink or two of alcohol of your choice. I, myself like to have a drink when I go out to dinner. I might buy a bottle of wine so that I can have a glass here or there at dinner. I dont mind going out with friends for drinks. I usually have one drink that I drink all night long. It's when you make the effort or a conscience decision to get drunk, wasted. Then get to the point of blacking out, not remembering what happened. It's foolish. Is it worth it? Really? Because I dont think so. On New Year's eve, there were two girls that took a piss in my yard. Yes. That's right. I could tell they had been drinking by the way they walked, their extra exuberant giggles. I mean seriously? Who does that? Stupid! These girls were so stupid. Not to mention, disrepectful. Everyone ALWAYS makes poor decisions when they get drunk. And when you have a family and get wasted, what example are you showing to your kids? What kind of role model are you being? Now, Im not talking about a one time mistake. I did once. I will never do it again. Im talking about people who do this often, whether it's daily, or weekly, monthly, or whenever. Whenever you drink, you get drunk. I dont get it! This is my opinion.

2)  People who talk about things they know nothing about. It drives me nuts when people get involved in things they know nothing about and then tell others what they should be doing. For example, guns. I know that is a very hot topic right now. But, it fits in with what I am talking about. Me, personally, I don't like guns, but I do understand and respect our constitutional right for guns. It was written into our constitution for the people's (individuals) right to protect themselves against the government or others.  It wasnt written because it protected the right for people to hunt. And people want to debate the wording of "the Militia". When you actually take a look back into our U.S. history (my mom would be so proud of me) the militia was the people. They were the farmers, the rich, the poor, judges, lawyers, shop owners, business men, maybe some politicians, but they were anyone willing to fight for their freedom and liberty.  "A militia, when properly formed, are in fact the people themselves ... and include all men capable of bearing arms."
- Richard Henry Lee.

So to celebrities or politians who chastise law-abiding citizens in owning guns, I just want to smack them in the forehead (like those V8 commercials) for their stupidity when they themselves are surrounded by people armed with guns. That's right surround yourself with people with the ability to protect you but chastise those who desire the right to protect themselves and their family. And let's look at this: gun control laws are only going to inhibit law-abiding citizens, not criminals or those determined to break the law. They dont care about the law regardless of the limitations placed.  I could go on and on, but I dont want to saturate you and diminish the importantance of this. To my point at the beginning, it drives me nuts when people (politians, celebrities in particular) sticks their noses into things they dont know and then begin to tell others what they should be doing.  It also makes me mad that people are dumb enough to believe these people or think that what these people say JUST because they are rich and famous. NO!  *smacks forehead*   I will end this point with a great point and so absolutely true:   "To disarm the people is the most effectual way to enslave them." - George Mason

3) My last thing, has to do with a radio commercial I heard advertising testosterone. It went to go on about how having low testosterone makes you less of a man. That masculinity is only the direct result of how much testosterone one might have.  True enough, testosterone is the predominant hormone that is produced by men and what define key biological factors of a male. But masculinity is not soley defined by testosterone. It doesnt make you less of a man. Masculinity is defined by being a strong, godly man. A guy willingly to stick to and stand up for his beliefs and morals. A man who is selfless and willing to put needs of  others (especially their families) above their own. Someone who is willing to make their own decisions and  are not easily persuaded by others. Personally, men who still believe in chivalery. To me, these are what defines masculinity. Does that have anything to do with a hormone? Absolutely not! Let me ask you a question? Am I any less of a woman or do I lack any femininity because I have low progesterone (a hormone produced soley by women)? Am I? No. No, because I am not defined by this hormone. I cannot stand this commercial.

Now you may disagree with me on any and all points. That's fine. You are entitled to your opinion, just as I am entitled to my own, and these are just merely my opinions. I thank you for your time in reading this.

The People Who Influence Us

Good evening everyone! How I have you missed being on here. I have been so busy with a new job, and taking care of my husband and 4 fur-children. There have been so many things that have happened to me in the past year, I cannot help but reflect on all that has happened.

It truly amazes me how much people influence us, whether it be good or bad. Sadly to say, I think we don't really know how much a person influences us until it's sometimes too late.

Looking back on the past, I can totally see where people have influenced me, and more so, in that was not beneficial to me or to my spiritual walk. It is so important to surround yourself with people who are going to really encourage and build you up. Not bring you down or make you forget who you are or what you stand for. I was guilty in losing myself and compromising on some of the basic principals I stand for and letting people walk over me because I was afraid of disappointing them or angering them. Unfortunately, it took me too long to realize this and that this was not who I am, that this is not what God wants me to be. We are to reach out to those who are lost, but not become one of the lost. Looking back at that, I can see where I was unhappy, unloving, defeated, and to top it all off, I had lost my identity. I let this person/these people do this. I am not proud of this. I really wish I had found my footing and foundation sooner. *sings* shake it off, shake it off.

I am now in a much better place than I have ever been in so many years. Finding a body of believers that truly want see me, me of all people, and see me as the woman God created me to be is amazing, inspiring. Never, have I ever seen so many people love the Lord and genuinely love the body. Yes I said it, love the body. Being loving and caring for others, rather doing things to make themselves look better or making you jump through hoops, or sacrifice your heart for just the possibility to make it into their super elite club. It feels so good to my soul to be surrounded by these amazing people. I am so blessed to have these people in my life. These people who are going to encourage and build me up so that I can in return encourage and build them up.

I have been so damaged and hurt by the people in my past. Being surrounded by the right people are and will influence me to keep me on the right path. A God-fearing path. Isn't that what we ALL crave? A deep, loving relationship with God?  I know God does. And I truly believe that God puts certain people in our lives at significant time in our lives, whether we are aware of it or not. I whole-heartedly believe that God lead Eric and I to this church a reason. For me, that reason is for growth, and healing. Healing from all the scars of past relationships within the body of Christ. 

There have been certain people who have stepped up from this group of people and have really stretched a hand out to me. I thank God every day for placing these people in my lives. They bring a smile to my face and joy to my heart. From my personal experience, you never know a good thing  until you have experienced the opposite. So, surround yourself with the right people who are going to bolster you up and hold fast and tight to these people because you will be amazed by how the right people can really influence you in the right way. In the end, you will be a happier person.






--End Transmission
AP








*Watching: Chopped.

Unsure

I'm having a pretty crappy day, you could even say week.  Honestly I dont know whether to act ok, or cry or yell and secretly throw things.  Or *sighs heavily* something....

I have lost a good friend. It's been painful. It's been tough. Some part of me knows I have done the right thing. Some part of me is unsure.  Though, I felt like I was already losing my friend, I wanted to stay. I don't like being that person. I understand that sometimes it's unavoidable, doesn't mean it doesn't make it less sucky.  Sometimes there are paths that I just cannot follow.  There are times when you have tried and tried to express your feelings, concerns, problems and it either gets dismissed, told it's off the table, or it goes in one ear out the other.  I know they hurt too, I know part that is my doing (not all).  Perhaps my guilt is talking to me. Though should I feel guilty for not jeopardizing my faith, my heart and feelings?  Some small part of me wants to say, "Im sorry, I still want to be friends." But there is the other part of me that knows that I did the right thing and we need to be apart.  I worry for her and her family to a point it breaks my heart.  I pray God, that you open her eyes, lift the veil over her heart. I want at some point be friends again. I know that it's going to take time, and it's only going to happen through God.

One thing I prayed for is that what happens between us does not cause any problems with Eric and his friend. Unfortunately, Im  afraid it has. It saddens me because I don't want to Eric to have to lose a friend because of me.   I have no problem with Eric continuing to be friends with him, much to what people think otherwise.

I understand I am not a well liked person right now. I was told that I was going to have to face hardship. doesnt mean it's not going to be easy.  I dont want anyone to pity me, this is not what this is all about. I just feel like Im going to explode if I dont write down my feelings. Personally, Im seriously re-thinking this. Either way, no one likes me right now, Im just going to have to accept that.

Advise anyone?? (message me privately)




--AP

Not good enough.....but striving to be better

So the other night, I got together with a wonderful lady, and it got me thinking. I have been in this desert in my faith for so long that I long to be in the rain forest so speak. I was convicted, broken when I was talking to her. I'm not entirely sure if I was happy about it. I haven't been in the word as I should. I haven't praying as much as I would like. Praying isn't necessarily hard for me. It's cracking open the Word and reading, absorbing, and learning. That for me has always been hard for me. I did devotionals with my step-father growing up in the mornings before our math lesson. I really enjoyed them. I have always wanted to get a daily devotional to work through to help me.  I want to. I want to have the heart to yearn. I want to have the heart to learn and grow and to pursue Him.  But since I haven't, it's really made me feel like I havent been a good enough Christian. They are the Devil's lies. But when you feel like God is not by your side, it's easy to fall prey to these lies. It's held me back.

But the one thing that spoke to me most while I was this acquaintance/friend was that she had this genuine interest in what was going on in my walk and my faith. I have never had or met anyone who has asked me, "so how has your walk been? What have you been learning or reading?"  It broke my heart. It made me feel bad because I haven't been in the word like I should. Don't get me wrong though, God, has been working on my heart. I haven't felt like I have been growing. I haven't always felt His presence. I know that I am no less of a Christian. God is always working on me and others. I know that God will never desert me. But knowing and feeling are not the same thing. I want to persue. It's been awhile though.....

You know I been surrounded by fellow Christians and friends (or so I thought) who never asked about my Christian life. Granted neither did I. So do I expect them to if I in return don't? No. I dont and never did. Perhaps that was part of not feeling connected to my fellow brother/sister where I was. Because there was no interest in what was going on. Sure we have had conversations but nothing directly "what has God been doing in your life?" And I was just blown away by this. That someone who barely knows me, was interested. Interested in my walk, interested in my growth. I was in  awe that this woman has so much compassion for me. It makes me want to strive to have that same level of compassion.

This woman and her husband have been such a blessing in our life. I am so happy to see Eric really getting excited about his faith and growth. This couple is so wonderful I praise God for placing them in our lives. And this woman has really made me want to better myself. So, I brought my bible to work to read on my lunch breaks and my new found friend asked me if I would like her to hold me accountable. Which at 1st I was a little nervous and uncomfortable to do that. However, the more I think about it, I think it sounds like a good idea. And crazier yet? She wants ME to ask her about what she has been reading or learning. ME?! Yes me. It just blows me away, that there are people out there like this. I think there should be more people like this. I think we as Christians should all strive to be like this. Active within each other's lives. To build, encourage, cheer on, be a support, to let you know when maybe you are not walking the path (in a non-judgemental way, as it is not our place to judge but God's), and then help you get back/keep on the path. Pray with, and for.

Something to think about........

--End Transmission

AP

*Currently listening to: Superchic[k]

Frustration

I know that in my last blog I talked about being happy.And I am, in my spiritual life, I am. We have found a home where people like us and are taking the time to invest in us. I look forward to these relationships growing. I cannot wait.

However, there are a few certain things in which I am not happy about. Well, for starters, I have been having some issues. Woman issues, that I know that most of you don't want to be hearing about. It's been throwing off my system/cycle   I have had several tests, and all my hormones are in check. I had an ultrasound to see if it was polycystic ovaries and that test came back negative, like I knew they would, because everything that goes wrong with seems to come back negative.  No surprise there, right? *sighs*. 

It all started going down hill when that time came and it was just agonizing pain. I went to the doctor, he placed my on a high dosage of all estrogen pills to help stop everything. Everything was ok for the next couple of months. I went to go see another doctor, one that my insurance would cover. She doesn't seem to know what's wrong or what's the cause for everything. So, the answer? Put me on medication. Again, no surprise there, right? I started the medication, hoping that this would help. Not really. The medication was really hard on me and I had to stop taking it. I can only take feeling nauseous for so long and after almost four weeks straight, I had to stop.

I had my checkup last month. Still the same answer, "I dont know what's wrong". I give them little credit that at least they are honest when they say "I dont know what's wrong" instead of leading you around like a dog on a leash trying to fish for something and give you vague answers. *sighs*. At this checkup the doc gave me two choices, continue the medication. To which, I replied, "I can't, or the dosage has to be lowered." This was first option. I buckled down and tried it again. After a week or two with the nausea from this blasted medication. I said enough was enough. Time for option number two.

Option #2: go back on birth control for like six months in order to reboot my system. I talked it over with Eric, who was willing to move forward with this idea.  I called the doctor, who was willing to give me a couple of months samples. I haven't started it yet, but honestly, I am not sure if I am looking forward to it. We are already having no luck getting pregnant, and here I am going back onto the pill which is to prevent pregnancy. I don't know if I want to go through with this. I don't want to go through with this. It breaks my heart. All Eric wants is to get me healthy, but I think to myself, that will never happen.

I want children. It's such a burning desire and it just breaks heart, when I hear about the next person who gets pregnant, when I hear about the next person who just had a baby.  I am so saddened to the point of anger. I am angry. Angry, that it can't happen. Now on top of top of that, Im going to take something that will hinder our chances even more?  There are days that I just want to break down. One of these day I just know that I am going to crack and I wont be able to take it anymore and Im not going to tell the next person I hear is pregnant that I am happy for them.  I just want to cry and cry and beat my fists and kick my feet. But that is childish. 

Will this ever end?  Perhaps we shall see. I pray that this works. That I can just buckle down and get this started and perhaps that this will work. I pray that I can get some answers even it is just more than the "The I don't know what's wrong with you".

What is this?

There have been a few changes in my life as of recently. Good changes, for the most part. Work is still stressful and I feel under appreciated. But aside from that, Eric and I are growing closer, at least in my opinion.  Eric is happier, which always makes me happier.  We are making lots of new friends, and friendships are deepening with others.

Along with that we have found a new home among a body of believers who are amazing people. I feel a beginning of a renewal of my faith. I know that all Christians go through phases in their walk and phases of growth. You have mountains and valleys and in order to get to the next mountain you need to go through a valley. I have been in this valley and I am ready to climb this mountain. I feel this awakening in my heart. I praise God for pushing me and leading not just me but Eric to just the right place and putting people in our lives that build up and encourage us. I am amazed and blessed by what God is doing in me and I pray that it continues.

So, what is this?

HAPPINESS!

Its been a few years long over due but for the first time in a long while...I am happy, spiritually happy.

Unpretty/I Feel Pretty

A song from Glee that brings me to tears. A song that hits too close to home. I'm sure I'm not alone.

For years I have struggled with self-esteem issues. I have never been happy with how I looked. I always thought to myself, "I am too fat. I am too short. I don't have blonde hair. I don't have a pretty face/flawless skin. I hate my teeth, my chin, my thighs. I'm so awkward. I hate my voice and my laugh. I'm too shy so I don't make friends easily. I didn't have a lot of friends. I made friends with the other "ugly ducklings", so I got treated/still get treated as an outcast. And while my friends got boyfriend, I didnt because no guy was interested me. Why would they? For years, I would pretend that it didn't bother me. But I was kidding myself. I hide behind a wall of self hate hoping that some days I would just disappear or become invisible to the world.  Obviously that didn't happen.

I look(ed) around to see everyone happy, happy while I crumbled to pieces on the inside. I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror. I am constantly noticing all that's wrong with me. I'm still fat. I have stretch marks and I don't even have kids yet.  I have a double chin. My skin isn't perfect. I still hate my thighs, and my cottage cheese ass. I want one time, one time where I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. I want to be happy like everyone else. I want to not feel the way I feel. I want to love myself instead of hating myself. I still get the glances, the leers, the glares and dirty  looks.  People are not as discreet as they think they are. It hurts. It hurts everytime. And I know that I am such a hypocrite  telling other people to not care what other people think, when I myself care, desperately! I'm always secretly screaming for approval from others. I want someone to look at me without glancing at me with disgust even its in the briefest of moments. I want people to see me and accept me.

If I was taller, was like a size 2, didn't have glasses, perfect skin,  beautiful smile, silky, shiny hair, pretty toes (even though I hate feet in general), great thighs, nice caboose, nice voice, nice laugh, long graceful neck, legs that went on for miles, perhaps then I'll be happy, people will treat me better. I don't want to live like this. I don't feeling like this. There are days, most days, I wonder what is that Eric sees me. I'm not beautiful, not even pretty at best. I know it's selfish to think that changing myself will make me happier with myself. I just want to be happy with myself, accepting myself. It's an ongoing battle, that I most often lose. Someday, I will conquer.

This is me being a little cynical. But sums me up in quirky little comic. I will end on a positive note. There is one thing I do like about myself:  my nose and my eyes. Perhaps that's a start.....




--End Transmission
AP



*currently listening to: "In My Arms" by Plumb