Ranting and Raving

So today, I went to a kidney specialist to see whats going on with me. I had to give a urine sample. Yay for peeing in a cup! Sweet! So he cant seem to know why my kidneys keep leaking so much protein. Ok, so here is the back story of me. Ok, so I was born with extra tubes going from my kidneys to the bladder. On my right kidney on of the tubes crossed over and  was cutting off the good tube, causing there to be a reflux of urine back  into the kidney and not the other way around. I had corrective surgery when I was a baby for this.

Ok so that being said. This kidney doctor thinks that may be the reason why I keep having UTI's and kidney infections. But he is unsure. He then goes off to say if its not a previous condition, then it could be 1 of 3 things.

1) Lupus
2) Hepatitis
3)Focal Proliferative Nephritis: Very early stage of more advanced lupus nephritis;
typically treated with high doses of corticosteroids, with excellent outcome.

He wants to a biopsy on my kidney. Which means sticking a large needle into my back an taking a tissue sample of my kidney. Its an overnight procedure. He wants to do a biopsy to make sure of any thing. *sighs* I have a DEATHLY fear of needles. I hyperventilate when I have to get a shot or when they draw my blood....Im not brave enough for this! Im too young for ANY of this!

So. This is what the doctor has today me. That being 24 I would a  very high chance of responding to steroids if its possibility #3. But given my predisposition of having a reflux problem as a baby, I "may" respond to steroid treatments. Great. Just F*ing great! The doctor is NOT giving any sort of confidence in anything! 

Right now, Im nervous, Im scared, Im in panic mode because, I dont know whats wrong with me. Everything he told me today, just does not sound good and it makes me very worried about whats going to happen to me. How long will this go on? If its treatable, will have I have to take medication for the rest of my life? Will I ever be able to have a family?? Does this mean Im going to die at an earlier age? Is any of this life threatening? I dont know. I just dont know. And I know my husband is going to tell me I dont need to worry about anything and that worry about it, isnt going to change anything, or make it any easier. 

This has been one CRAPTASTIC day! I want to scream and cry and fall down and beat my fists on the floor. I wish none of this is happening. But I cant. I just cant..........

--End transmittion

   AP

*Listening to:  Jamie Foxx ft T.I, "Just Like Me"

Reality Withing

"Behold!"
Your hopes, desires, dreams
Throwing his head back with laughter
Malice sparkling in his eyes.
Waiting
Patiently
Till you are trapped in
his we b of illusions
leaving your heart broken
Pathetically believing his lies.
"your hopes, desires and dreams
are nothing but lies," He Mocked
Dancing about with victory
Your spirit,
shattered.
You hang you head in defeat
 with your happiness in the palm
of his hands,
"there is no such thing as dreams
only reality.
And reality
There is no happiness
only misery"


~By: Annie Plumb
        7/8/10

And so it starts

So, my first blog. Its been a very long time since the last time I actually sat down and blogged. And its a little crazy to being doing this again. I so often times lack the ambition to sit and write, or lose focus, or even more so, dont have much to talk about. But here I am. I know Im not alone in this, even though I dont know much of anyone on here, or out there. I wouldnt even know where to start. I wont be long.

Its a curious thing, actually, I have a Myspace page, that I like, never use anymore. But I took the time to look back and read all my posts from when I first started my page till the last post. I know, how bored I must have been. I admit, quite bored, but it was interesting to read and look back and realize how MUCH i had changed in almost 5 years. How depressed, and b!@tchy I was. I pined over things, I look back now, and see how incredibly stupid I was at times. It was interesting to read, or silly in love and how QUICKLY I feel in love with the man of my dreams. Its crazy to think, even though, I was silly, immature, and stupid (I'll admit it) I was, I would just write. And its almost sad to know that I dont write quite nearly enough as I used too. Writing is such a great outlet to release all that is building up inside of you, whether, its love, hatred, sadness, or just a need to express your thought and feelings about certain subjects that we come across.

I dont write poetry like I used too and it disappoints me. I have abandoned my book that I have been writing, which now, had been lost when my hard drive crashed. everything on my computer was lost. I would love to get back into those things again, and hopefully, one day, I shall actually finish writing a book. I wouldnt even care if it didnt get published. Just having the satisfaction of accomplishing something, would be enough. And you, not being prideful or anything, but it was kinda weird reading some of my older poems, and I would get chills reading them. I would read them and think, "naw, this cannot be me? Can it?" I lack inhibition to write poetry like I used too, no matter how dark and twisted it was.

But people change and so is the way of life. Gosh now, just even formulating these thoughts, is almost depressing! Im sorry. This was not the route I was wanting to be taking. And Im sorry if I havent been entertaining enough. So this is it for now. TO another blog, another subject, and some more random ramblings. And I challenge you to enter my world....if you dare....

--end transmittion

AP

* Currently watching: Young Victoria ft: Emily Blunt