Unsure

I'm having a pretty crappy day, you could even say week.  Honestly I dont know whether to act ok, or cry or yell and secretly throw things.  Or *sighs heavily* something....

I have lost a good friend. It's been painful. It's been tough. Some part of me knows I have done the right thing. Some part of me is unsure.  Though, I felt like I was already losing my friend, I wanted to stay. I don't like being that person. I understand that sometimes it's unavoidable, doesn't mean it doesn't make it less sucky.  Sometimes there are paths that I just cannot follow.  There are times when you have tried and tried to express your feelings, concerns, problems and it either gets dismissed, told it's off the table, or it goes in one ear out the other.  I know they hurt too, I know part that is my doing (not all).  Perhaps my guilt is talking to me. Though should I feel guilty for not jeopardizing my faith, my heart and feelings?  Some small part of me wants to say, "Im sorry, I still want to be friends." But there is the other part of me that knows that I did the right thing and we need to be apart.  I worry for her and her family to a point it breaks my heart.  I pray God, that you open her eyes, lift the veil over her heart. I want at some point be friends again. I know that it's going to take time, and it's only going to happen through God.

One thing I prayed for is that what happens between us does not cause any problems with Eric and his friend. Unfortunately, Im  afraid it has. It saddens me because I don't want to Eric to have to lose a friend because of me.   I have no problem with Eric continuing to be friends with him, much to what people think otherwise.

I understand I am not a well liked person right now. I was told that I was going to have to face hardship. doesnt mean it's not going to be easy.  I dont want anyone to pity me, this is not what this is all about. I just feel like Im going to explode if I dont write down my feelings. Personally, Im seriously re-thinking this. Either way, no one likes me right now, Im just going to have to accept that.

Advise anyone?? (message me privately)




--AP

Not good enough.....but striving to be better

So the other night, I got together with a wonderful lady, and it got me thinking. I have been in this desert in my faith for so long that I long to be in the rain forest so speak. I was convicted, broken when I was talking to her. I'm not entirely sure if I was happy about it. I haven't been in the word as I should. I haven't praying as much as I would like. Praying isn't necessarily hard for me. It's cracking open the Word and reading, absorbing, and learning. That for me has always been hard for me. I did devotionals with my step-father growing up in the mornings before our math lesson. I really enjoyed them. I have always wanted to get a daily devotional to work through to help me.  I want to. I want to have the heart to yearn. I want to have the heart to learn and grow and to pursue Him.  But since I haven't, it's really made me feel like I havent been a good enough Christian. They are the Devil's lies. But when you feel like God is not by your side, it's easy to fall prey to these lies. It's held me back.

But the one thing that spoke to me most while I was this acquaintance/friend was that she had this genuine interest in what was going on in my walk and my faith. I have never had or met anyone who has asked me, "so how has your walk been? What have you been learning or reading?"  It broke my heart. It made me feel bad because I haven't been in the word like I should. Don't get me wrong though, God, has been working on my heart. I haven't felt like I have been growing. I haven't always felt His presence. I know that I am no less of a Christian. God is always working on me and others. I know that God will never desert me. But knowing and feeling are not the same thing. I want to persue. It's been awhile though.....

You know I been surrounded by fellow Christians and friends (or so I thought) who never asked about my Christian life. Granted neither did I. So do I expect them to if I in return don't? No. I dont and never did. Perhaps that was part of not feeling connected to my fellow brother/sister where I was. Because there was no interest in what was going on. Sure we have had conversations but nothing directly "what has God been doing in your life?" And I was just blown away by this. That someone who barely knows me, was interested. Interested in my walk, interested in my growth. I was in  awe that this woman has so much compassion for me. It makes me want to strive to have that same level of compassion.

This woman and her husband have been such a blessing in our life. I am so happy to see Eric really getting excited about his faith and growth. This couple is so wonderful I praise God for placing them in our lives. And this woman has really made me want to better myself. So, I brought my bible to work to read on my lunch breaks and my new found friend asked me if I would like her to hold me accountable. Which at 1st I was a little nervous and uncomfortable to do that. However, the more I think about it, I think it sounds like a good idea. And crazier yet? She wants ME to ask her about what she has been reading or learning. ME?! Yes me. It just blows me away, that there are people out there like this. I think there should be more people like this. I think we as Christians should all strive to be like this. Active within each other's lives. To build, encourage, cheer on, be a support, to let you know when maybe you are not walking the path (in a non-judgemental way, as it is not our place to judge but God's), and then help you get back/keep on the path. Pray with, and for.

Something to think about........

--End Transmission

AP

*Currently listening to: Superchic[k]

Frustration

I know that in my last blog I talked about being happy.And I am, in my spiritual life, I am. We have found a home where people like us and are taking the time to invest in us. I look forward to these relationships growing. I cannot wait.

However, there are a few certain things in which I am not happy about. Well, for starters, I have been having some issues. Woman issues, that I know that most of you don't want to be hearing about. It's been throwing off my system/cycle   I have had several tests, and all my hormones are in check. I had an ultrasound to see if it was polycystic ovaries and that test came back negative, like I knew they would, because everything that goes wrong with seems to come back negative.  No surprise there, right? *sighs*. 

It all started going down hill when that time came and it was just agonizing pain. I went to the doctor, he placed my on a high dosage of all estrogen pills to help stop everything. Everything was ok for the next couple of months. I went to go see another doctor, one that my insurance would cover. She doesn't seem to know what's wrong or what's the cause for everything. So, the answer? Put me on medication. Again, no surprise there, right? I started the medication, hoping that this would help. Not really. The medication was really hard on me and I had to stop taking it. I can only take feeling nauseous for so long and after almost four weeks straight, I had to stop.

I had my checkup last month. Still the same answer, "I dont know what's wrong". I give them little credit that at least they are honest when they say "I dont know what's wrong" instead of leading you around like a dog on a leash trying to fish for something and give you vague answers. *sighs*. At this checkup the doc gave me two choices, continue the medication. To which, I replied, "I can't, or the dosage has to be lowered." This was first option. I buckled down and tried it again. After a week or two with the nausea from this blasted medication. I said enough was enough. Time for option number two.

Option #2: go back on birth control for like six months in order to reboot my system. I talked it over with Eric, who was willing to move forward with this idea.  I called the doctor, who was willing to give me a couple of months samples. I haven't started it yet, but honestly, I am not sure if I am looking forward to it. We are already having no luck getting pregnant, and here I am going back onto the pill which is to prevent pregnancy. I don't know if I want to go through with this. I don't want to go through with this. It breaks my heart. All Eric wants is to get me healthy, but I think to myself, that will never happen.

I want children. It's such a burning desire and it just breaks heart, when I hear about the next person who gets pregnant, when I hear about the next person who just had a baby.  I am so saddened to the point of anger. I am angry. Angry, that it can't happen. Now on top of top of that, Im going to take something that will hinder our chances even more?  There are days that I just want to break down. One of these day I just know that I am going to crack and I wont be able to take it anymore and Im not going to tell the next person I hear is pregnant that I am happy for them.  I just want to cry and cry and beat my fists and kick my feet. But that is childish. 

Will this ever end?  Perhaps we shall see. I pray that this works. That I can just buckle down and get this started and perhaps that this will work. I pray that I can get some answers even it is just more than the "The I don't know what's wrong with you".

What is this?

There have been a few changes in my life as of recently. Good changes, for the most part. Work is still stressful and I feel under appreciated. But aside from that, Eric and I are growing closer, at least in my opinion.  Eric is happier, which always makes me happier.  We are making lots of new friends, and friendships are deepening with others.

Along with that we have found a new home among a body of believers who are amazing people. I feel a beginning of a renewal of my faith. I know that all Christians go through phases in their walk and phases of growth. You have mountains and valleys and in order to get to the next mountain you need to go through a valley. I have been in this valley and I am ready to climb this mountain. I feel this awakening in my heart. I praise God for pushing me and leading not just me but Eric to just the right place and putting people in our lives that build up and encourage us. I am amazed and blessed by what God is doing in me and I pray that it continues.

So, what is this?

HAPPINESS!

Its been a few years long over due but for the first time in a long while...I am happy, spiritually happy.

Unpretty/I Feel Pretty

A song from Glee that brings me to tears. A song that hits too close to home. I'm sure I'm not alone.

For years I have struggled with self-esteem issues. I have never been happy with how I looked. I always thought to myself, "I am too fat. I am too short. I don't have blonde hair. I don't have a pretty face/flawless skin. I hate my teeth, my chin, my thighs. I'm so awkward. I hate my voice and my laugh. I'm too shy so I don't make friends easily. I didn't have a lot of friends. I made friends with the other "ugly ducklings", so I got treated/still get treated as an outcast. And while my friends got boyfriend, I didnt because no guy was interested me. Why would they? For years, I would pretend that it didn't bother me. But I was kidding myself. I hide behind a wall of self hate hoping that some days I would just disappear or become invisible to the world.  Obviously that didn't happen.

I look(ed) around to see everyone happy, happy while I crumbled to pieces on the inside. I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror. I am constantly noticing all that's wrong with me. I'm still fat. I have stretch marks and I don't even have kids yet.  I have a double chin. My skin isn't perfect. I still hate my thighs, and my cottage cheese ass. I want one time, one time where I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. I want to be happy like everyone else. I want to not feel the way I feel. I want to love myself instead of hating myself. I still get the glances, the leers, the glares and dirty  looks.  People are not as discreet as they think they are. It hurts. It hurts everytime. And I know that I am such a hypocrite  telling other people to not care what other people think, when I myself care, desperately! I'm always secretly screaming for approval from others. I want someone to look at me without glancing at me with disgust even its in the briefest of moments. I want people to see me and accept me.

If I was taller, was like a size 2, didn't have glasses, perfect skin,  beautiful smile, silky, shiny hair, pretty toes (even though I hate feet in general), great thighs, nice caboose, nice voice, nice laugh, long graceful neck, legs that went on for miles, perhaps then I'll be happy, people will treat me better. I don't want to live like this. I don't feeling like this. There are days, most days, I wonder what is that Eric sees me. I'm not beautiful, not even pretty at best. I know it's selfish to think that changing myself will make me happier with myself. I just want to be happy with myself, accepting myself. It's an ongoing battle, that I most often lose. Someday, I will conquer.

This is me being a little cynical. But sums me up in quirky little comic. I will end on a positive note. There is one thing I do like about myself:  my nose and my eyes. Perhaps that's a start.....




--End Transmission
AP



*currently listening to: "In My Arms" by Plumb

Long time no blog

So I guess it's been awhile since my last blog and it was a rather heated blog. Sometimes, I just have to write my thoughts and feelings down so I don't explode.

It's been a long and stressful year, for me physically, mentally, and medically.  Some days, I don't know how I survive. It's by the grace of God. I'm sick of doctors. I'm sick of being poked and prodded with no answers. But I will put that aside and continue to pray for answers to at least SOMETHING. One day? *shrugs* not likely.

Eric got a new job, which I am very happy for him. He had been so unhappy with his previous job. He was constantly angry. There were days it was hard to be around him. I told him the same thing when he was unhappy with his job at Stogdills. Either suck it up and stop complaining or get a new job. So he did. I am so thankful he did. He is happier, and hopefully this is a job that he can really grow in. It's better pay (which I will never complain about). And cool thing is? We can carpool. It's interesting to say the least. But I am happy for him none-the-less. Now if only my job....*shakes head*, never going to happen.

Aside from that, we are healthy. We have healthy fur-children. God is good and has provided many blessings on us. Some days I get so wrapped up in my everyday life and forget all what God has done for me and Eric and I.  I know I don't always seem like it, but I am thankful. I have a great husband (who is the handsomest man alive and I adore), I have great friends, who accept me for me,  and I have a family who is supportive. And that's all I need.

So this is all a little random, and I think it's because I am really tired. Perhaps this is a signal to go to bed. Good night to whoever reads this...


--End Transmission
AP



*watching Eric play on XBox