Im not entirely sure how to start this, so I suppose I will just start writing and see how it all unfolds.
I strongly desire to have kids, especially since after my miscarriage I had 2 1/2 years ago. I know that it wasnt all that big of a deal. I was only 6 or 7 weeks along. The doctors say that it is very common for young women to have a miscarriage for their 1st pregnancies. So I guess Im not surprised at all that this happened. But ever since then, I have had such a desire to have kids. I want to be able to give Mr. P a child. I want to able to raise, teach, and LOVE someone that was created between us (sorry if that sounded graphic). Kids are such a wonderful blessing and an incredible miracle gifted from God, I know this. And knowing that and believing in it are two different things and it is hard believing in sometimes, especially when we both desire and are praying.
It is so disheartening when we have been trying and its nothing. Its almost as if we are trying in vain. Its almost a sick and twisted game in which while we are doing all that we can, being Godly about it and you have to sit back while everyone around you seems to be blessed. I want to be able to give Mr. P this wonderful gift. I know that he will such a wonderful father, beyond a doubt, better father than I will a mother. Its indescribable.
I feel so disheartened that it seems after all our efforts, nothing. I pray and I keep praying. Nothing. I know the risk it could be for me. Knowing that, I am willing to take that risk. And if God does bless us with such a miracle, it would be for a reason. God knows. God has a plan, for me, for Mr. P and for the both of us. I know being a high risk that there is a chance that we could never get pregnant, or SHOULD get pregnant, and that in of itself is hard knowing and realizing.
The need, the desire is so strong. I know it sounds selfish. And perhaps it is a little selfish. And perhaps that is why we havent gotten pregnant. But anybody who wants to have kids and plans them, isnt that also being selfish and yet those people are getting their wishes. I know that was a rather jealous thing to say. It doesnt stop the feelings. The hurt.
However, I must remain faithful that God will bless us beyond our wildest imaginations as long as we remain faithful and true and trust in God and know that there is a reason, and a plan and that God LOVES us SOOOO much, its incomprehensible, its a amazing. NO matter how frustrated I am, there is a reason and a plan......we, I just have to be patient......*sighs heavily*....perhaps one day, I will learn to be patient.
~End Transmission
AP
*listening to: the sounds of the keys clacking on the keyboard.
