Here is what I think. So listen up! I just have to get this off my chest before I explode. But there are two things that really bother me. So here it goes:
1) If we werent friends when we were kids. we still arent friends now, why do you think I want to be friends with you on facebook. I think after the 3rd time of denying your request that you would get the hint/picture/clue that I dont want to be friends. You have made my childhood a living nightmare. You made me think that it did matter what I did, I was unwanted, that you could turn my own friends' backs on me, that I was unpretty and that you were more important, special than me and prettier than me because your parents were important people. I wasted too many years and too many tears trying to gain approval.This is ridiculous. YOU are ridiculous! Now I suppose you "want" to be friends with me oblivious to everything or that you "want" to be friends just so that you could secretly keep tabs on me or maybe it just makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I dont know. I dont care. Just STOP! You have ruined enough friendships and my life already.
2) unrelated to #1. You said you couldnt be friends with me (us) anymore because we werent "Christian" enough because we didnt spend 24/7/356 talking about God, praying or reading the Bible. So you decided to sever the ties using unsound doctrine to justify your reasoning. The you come gala-venting back into our lives after 1+ years expecting everything to be hunky dory. Well its not.And the whole time you ignore me, ridicule me and you expect me to welcome you back with open arms. Man do you have a faulty way of showing/proving you want to be friends.And I know that your partner in crime is going to say I have a bitter heart. I dont have a bitter heart. I hold my heart with great regard. I have had my heart broken too many times and I kept giving people 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 10+ changes only have the rug pulled out from under me. I trust easily and get crushed/let down for it. I am learning from past experiences. So no! No I dont want be friends again. Not now. Not ever, especially with someone who "questioned" my faith when I havent given any reason for you to question it. You stand with someone who is so absorbed in himself that he has led you blindly down the wrong path and told me husband to turn away from me when I stood up for myself. Because I will not! Will not be silenced! I owe no apology for my behavior because I am not the one with the problem.
So needless to say, if I dont have you as a friend on facebook, then there probably is a reason. Either I havent added you yet or I dont want to be friends with you!....Thats all.
--End Transmission
AP
*Watching: Iron Chef America
Monday, November 22, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Patience
Im not entirely sure how to start this, so I suppose I will just start writing and see how it all unfolds.
I strongly desire to have kids, especially since after my miscarriage I had 2 1/2 years ago. I know that it wasnt all that big of a deal. I was only 6 or 7 weeks along. The doctors say that it is very common for young women to have a miscarriage for their 1st pregnancies. So I guess Im not surprised at all that this happened. But ever since then, I have had such a desire to have kids. I want to be able to give Mr. P a child. I want to able to raise, teach, and LOVE someone that was created between us (sorry if that sounded graphic). Kids are such a wonderful blessing and an incredible miracle gifted from God, I know this. And knowing that and believing in it are two different things and it is hard believing in sometimes, especially when we both desire and are praying.
It is so disheartening when we have been trying and its nothing. Its almost as if we are trying in vain. Its almost a sick and twisted game in which while we are doing all that we can, being Godly about it and you have to sit back while everyone around you seems to be blessed. I want to be able to give Mr. P this wonderful gift. I know that he will such a wonderful father, beyond a doubt, better father than I will a mother. Its indescribable.
I feel so disheartened that it seems after all our efforts, nothing. I pray and I keep praying. Nothing. I know the risk it could be for me. Knowing that, I am willing to take that risk. And if God does bless us with such a miracle, it would be for a reason. God knows. God has a plan, for me, for Mr. P and for the both of us. I know being a high risk that there is a chance that we could never get pregnant, or SHOULD get pregnant, and that in of itself is hard knowing and realizing.
The need, the desire is so strong. I know it sounds selfish. And perhaps it is a little selfish. And perhaps that is why we havent gotten pregnant. But anybody who wants to have kids and plans them, isnt that also being selfish and yet those people are getting their wishes. I know that was a rather jealous thing to say. It doesnt stop the feelings. The hurt.
However, I must remain faithful that God will bless us beyond our wildest imaginations as long as we remain faithful and true and trust in God and know that there is a reason, and a plan and that God LOVES us SOOOO much, its incomprehensible, its a amazing. NO matter how frustrated I am, there is a reason and a plan......we, I just have to be patient......*sighs heavily*....perhaps one day, I will learn to be patient.
~End Transmission
AP
*listening to: the sounds of the keys clacking on the keyboard.
I strongly desire to have kids, especially since after my miscarriage I had 2 1/2 years ago. I know that it wasnt all that big of a deal. I was only 6 or 7 weeks along. The doctors say that it is very common for young women to have a miscarriage for their 1st pregnancies. So I guess Im not surprised at all that this happened. But ever since then, I have had such a desire to have kids. I want to be able to give Mr. P a child. I want to able to raise, teach, and LOVE someone that was created between us (sorry if that sounded graphic). Kids are such a wonderful blessing and an incredible miracle gifted from God, I know this. And knowing that and believing in it are two different things and it is hard believing in sometimes, especially when we both desire and are praying.
It is so disheartening when we have been trying and its nothing. Its almost as if we are trying in vain. Its almost a sick and twisted game in which while we are doing all that we can, being Godly about it and you have to sit back while everyone around you seems to be blessed. I want to be able to give Mr. P this wonderful gift. I know that he will such a wonderful father, beyond a doubt, better father than I will a mother. Its indescribable.
I feel so disheartened that it seems after all our efforts, nothing. I pray and I keep praying. Nothing. I know the risk it could be for me. Knowing that, I am willing to take that risk. And if God does bless us with such a miracle, it would be for a reason. God knows. God has a plan, for me, for Mr. P and for the both of us. I know being a high risk that there is a chance that we could never get pregnant, or SHOULD get pregnant, and that in of itself is hard knowing and realizing.
The need, the desire is so strong. I know it sounds selfish. And perhaps it is a little selfish. And perhaps that is why we havent gotten pregnant. But anybody who wants to have kids and plans them, isnt that also being selfish and yet those people are getting their wishes. I know that was a rather jealous thing to say. It doesnt stop the feelings. The hurt.
However, I must remain faithful that God will bless us beyond our wildest imaginations as long as we remain faithful and true and trust in God and know that there is a reason, and a plan and that God LOVES us SOOOO much, its incomprehensible, its a amazing. NO matter how frustrated I am, there is a reason and a plan......we, I just have to be patient......*sighs heavily*....perhaps one day, I will learn to be patient.
~End Transmission
AP
*listening to: the sounds of the keys clacking on the keyboard.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Etiquette
Ok, so I have a bone to pick. and thats bathroom etiquette. Yes, that's exactly right. Now I have been noticing something quite interesting, that I dont think most of us are conscientious thinking about it. But yes, even women have a bathroom etiquette and its similar the men's bathroom etiquette. Interested?
Ok, so here it goes:
A woman walks into a bathroom. There are three stalls. She takes either the 1st or last stall, never the middle stall. If two women walk into the bathroom and there are three stalls, one woman takes the 1st stall and the second woman takes the last stall. Never the middle stall. There should always be a stall between you and the next person. Here is a diagram (dont pay attention to the urinals. Notice the middle one, if done correctly, is empty.
Ok, so here it goes:
A woman walks into a bathroom. There are three stalls. She takes either the 1st or last stall, never the middle stall. If two women walk into the bathroom and there are three stalls, one woman takes the 1st stall and the second woman takes the last stall. Never the middle stall. There should always be a stall between you and the next person. Here is a diagram (dont pay attention to the urinals. Notice the middle one, if done correctly, is empty.
I have also come to the conclusion that the only time the middle bathroom stall should be used if you are out in public or at the workplace, is for two reasons. All the other stalls are taken or if you are going to the bathroom with your friend
Which leads us to the next little segment of bathroom etiquette. If you go to the bathroom and you go with a friend, its almost imperative to take the two stalls next to each other, so that you may continue to carry on whatever conversation you were already engaged in. If you are not with a friend in the bathroom and you are stuck in the situation in which there is no stall between you and the next person. There really is no need to engage in conversation.
Now I have enlightened you on the proper bathroom etiquette for the women's bathroom. This rule doesnt only apply to men, much to popular belief. This has been my observation. If you feel/think that what I say is incorrect, do please entertain me. I am open.
--End Transmission
AP
*Currently watching: Family Guy
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Update
So its been awhile since I last blogged. Nothing exciting has been going on in the world of Annie. I went in for testing to see whats going on with my kidneys last month. So here it breaks down:
1) THe main concern to test was for was Lupus. Now I have done a little research for those of us who dont know about it. Lupus is an autoimmune disease, in which your body starts over producing the anitbodies that are used to fight off infections. The body will then start to attack itself treating different organs in the body as foreign. The body does this thinking its protecting itself when all actuality its doing more damage. One of the symptoms of Lupus is Kidney failure and the unfiltering of blood and protein from the urine. There is no real cure for Lupus. Scientists are still unsure if its genetic or not or how its developed. You cannot pass it on like a cold or the flu. Some people can have it all their life and it can choose to affect the body or go into remission and attack later. So the test results came back: negative. Thankfully
2) Part of the testing was having to do a urine sample to test the protein count and kidney function. My kidney function came back normal. My protein count was 600 (i dont know what their measurements are). Normal people have a protein count that hover around 100. My protein count is 6x as much as normal people. They start worrying about people when the protein count is higher than 1000. and consider it life threatening about 2000 (considered kidney failure). So what are they going to do? Nothing Just monitor as they are unsure whats causing it to be so high. So for awhile I will need to have the same tests done every few months. if it ever increases to a point where they start to worry, I have will have to have a biopsy done, which is sticking a big @$$ needle into my back and taking a tissue sample of my kidney. YAY! NOT!
3) Last but not least, the doctor doesnt want us to be having kids because I would be at a very risk of developing preeclampsia very early on in the pregnancy. Preeclampsia usually develops around 20weeks of pregnancy and only 5% of these women will develope it. 3 main symptoms: a) high blood pressure, b) fluid retention, c) high protein count in the urine. Now seeing as I already have symptom c, can cause some flags. Having high protein in the urine is harmful to baby as the kidneys are not properly filtering all the bad toxins away. High blood pressure is harmful to baby as it can cut off the oxygen supply to the baby which will cause the baby not to develop properly or fully. Its very important to get checked because if left uchecked preeclampsia will claim the lives of both momma an baby because momma could essentially have a stroke. if the woman is diagnosed then she is usually induced as early as possible so that there is no potential of death for either baby or mother. So where does that leave me? If a woman will get diagnosed with this halfway through their pregnancy they will usually have their baby 1 or 2 months early depending on when she is diagnosed and how bad it is. But if I develop it pretty much right away, how far will I be able to carry the baby? How soon would they have to induce me seeing as that is the ONLY way it will have to be. It is deliver or die thats how serious Preeclampsia can and would be. And it makes me very scared. I know that EP and I would like to have kids sometime in the future but at what cost? My life? The life of our baby? I know of woman who have been put in this situation of being a high risk pregnancy and I cannot imagine how scary that would be. I know that God wouldnt give us anything that we cant handle. And if we were to get pregnant and I do develop Preeclampsia at a very early stage in the pregnancy, there would be a reason behind it. I know that if we trust and believe, God would bring us through. But until that happens its hard to think or believe. Its not that I dont have trust in my God because He is all-powerful and loves me. I dont know its a lot to think of and absorb.
Next month (September) I have to come in for those follow up tests and meet with the kidney specialist to see how everything is going and see what they want to do, if Im getting better or worse, or staying about the same. I know everything happens for a reason and if God decides to bless us with a baby through all of this, there would a reason and it would be a wonderful miracle. I cannot wait to be a mother, if or when God decides to bless us. Wish me luck next month as I await anxiously to see whats going on with me.......
~End transmission
AP
1) THe main concern to test was for was Lupus. Now I have done a little research for those of us who dont know about it. Lupus is an autoimmune disease, in which your body starts over producing the anitbodies that are used to fight off infections. The body will then start to attack itself treating different organs in the body as foreign. The body does this thinking its protecting itself when all actuality its doing more damage. One of the symptoms of Lupus is Kidney failure and the unfiltering of blood and protein from the urine. There is no real cure for Lupus. Scientists are still unsure if its genetic or not or how its developed. You cannot pass it on like a cold or the flu. Some people can have it all their life and it can choose to affect the body or go into remission and attack later. So the test results came back: negative. Thankfully
2) Part of the testing was having to do a urine sample to test the protein count and kidney function. My kidney function came back normal. My protein count was 600 (i dont know what their measurements are). Normal people have a protein count that hover around 100. My protein count is 6x as much as normal people. They start worrying about people when the protein count is higher than 1000. and consider it life threatening about 2000 (considered kidney failure). So what are they going to do? Nothing Just monitor as they are unsure whats causing it to be so high. So for awhile I will need to have the same tests done every few months. if it ever increases to a point where they start to worry, I have will have to have a biopsy done, which is sticking a big @$$ needle into my back and taking a tissue sample of my kidney. YAY! NOT!
3) Last but not least, the doctor doesnt want us to be having kids because I would be at a very risk of developing preeclampsia very early on in the pregnancy. Preeclampsia usually develops around 20weeks of pregnancy and only 5% of these women will develope it. 3 main symptoms: a) high blood pressure, b) fluid retention, c) high protein count in the urine. Now seeing as I already have symptom c, can cause some flags. Having high protein in the urine is harmful to baby as the kidneys are not properly filtering all the bad toxins away. High blood pressure is harmful to baby as it can cut off the oxygen supply to the baby which will cause the baby not to develop properly or fully. Its very important to get checked because if left uchecked preeclampsia will claim the lives of both momma an baby because momma could essentially have a stroke. if the woman is diagnosed then she is usually induced as early as possible so that there is no potential of death for either baby or mother. So where does that leave me? If a woman will get diagnosed with this halfway through their pregnancy they will usually have their baby 1 or 2 months early depending on when she is diagnosed and how bad it is. But if I develop it pretty much right away, how far will I be able to carry the baby? How soon would they have to induce me seeing as that is the ONLY way it will have to be. It is deliver or die thats how serious Preeclampsia can and would be. And it makes me very scared. I know that EP and I would like to have kids sometime in the future but at what cost? My life? The life of our baby? I know of woman who have been put in this situation of being a high risk pregnancy and I cannot imagine how scary that would be. I know that God wouldnt give us anything that we cant handle. And if we were to get pregnant and I do develop Preeclampsia at a very early stage in the pregnancy, there would be a reason behind it. I know that if we trust and believe, God would bring us through. But until that happens its hard to think or believe. Its not that I dont have trust in my God because He is all-powerful and loves me. I dont know its a lot to think of and absorb.
Next month (September) I have to come in for those follow up tests and meet with the kidney specialist to see how everything is going and see what they want to do, if Im getting better or worse, or staying about the same. I know everything happens for a reason and if God decides to bless us with a baby through all of this, there would a reason and it would be a wonderful miracle. I cannot wait to be a mother, if or when God decides to bless us. Wish me luck next month as I await anxiously to see whats going on with me.......
~End transmission
AP
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Ranting and Raving
So today, I went to a kidney specialist to see whats going on with me. I had to give a urine sample. Yay for peeing in a cup! Sweet! So he cant seem to know why my kidneys keep leaking so much protein. Ok, so here is the back story of me. Ok, so I was born with extra tubes going from my kidneys to the bladder. On my right kidney on of the tubes crossed over and was cutting off the good tube, causing there to be a reflux of urine back into the kidney and not the other way around. I had corrective surgery when I was a baby for this.
Ok so that being said. This kidney doctor thinks that may be the reason why I keep having UTI's and kidney infections. But he is unsure. He then goes off to say if its not a previous condition, then it could be 1 of 3 things.
1) Lupus
2) Hepatitis
3)Focal Proliferative Nephritis: Very early stage of more advanced lupus nephritis;
typically treated with high doses of corticosteroids, with excellent outcome.
Ok so that being said. This kidney doctor thinks that may be the reason why I keep having UTI's and kidney infections. But he is unsure. He then goes off to say if its not a previous condition, then it could be 1 of 3 things.
1) Lupus
2) Hepatitis
3)Focal Proliferative Nephritis: Very early stage of more advanced lupus nephritis;
typically treated with high doses of corticosteroids, with excellent outcome.
He wants to a biopsy on my kidney. Which means sticking a large needle into my back an taking a tissue sample of my kidney. Its an overnight procedure. He wants to do a biopsy to make sure of any thing. *sighs* I have a DEATHLY fear of needles. I hyperventilate when I have to get a shot or when they draw my blood....Im not brave enough for this! Im too young for ANY of this!
So. This is what the doctor has today me. That being 24 I would a very high chance of responding to steroids if its possibility #3. But given my predisposition of having a reflux problem as a baby, I "may" respond to steroid treatments. Great. Just F*ing great! The doctor is NOT giving any sort of confidence in anything!
Right now, Im nervous, Im scared, Im in panic mode because, I dont know whats wrong with me. Everything he told me today, just does not sound good and it makes me very worried about whats going to happen to me. How long will this go on? If its treatable, will have I have to take medication for the rest of my life? Will I ever be able to have a family?? Does this mean Im going to die at an earlier age? Is any of this life threatening? I dont know. I just dont know. And I know my husband is going to tell me I dont need to worry about anything and that worry about it, isnt going to change anything, or make it any easier.
This has been one CRAPTASTIC day! I want to scream and cry and fall down and beat my fists on the floor. I wish none of this is happening. But I cant. I just cant..........
--End transmittion
AP
*Listening to: Jamie Foxx ft T.I, "Just Like Me"
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Reality Withing
"Behold!"
Your hopes, desires, dreams
Throwing his head back with laughter
Malice sparkling in his eyes.
Waiting
Patiently
Till you are trapped in
his we b of illusions
leaving your heart broken
Pathetically believing his lies.
"your hopes, desires and dreams
are nothing but lies," He Mocked
Dancing about with victory
Your spirit,
shattered.
You hang you head in defeat
with your happiness in the palm
of his hands,
"there is no such thing as dreams
only reality.
And reality
There is no happiness
only misery"
~By: Annie Plumb
7/8/10
Your hopes, desires, dreams
Throwing his head back with laughter
Malice sparkling in his eyes.
Waiting
Patiently
Till you are trapped in
his we b of illusions
leaving your heart broken
Pathetically believing his lies.
"your hopes, desires and dreams
are nothing but lies," He Mocked
Dancing about with victory
Your spirit,
shattered.
You hang you head in defeat
with your happiness in the palm
of his hands,
"there is no such thing as dreams
only reality.
And reality
There is no happiness
only misery"
~By: Annie Plumb
7/8/10
Sunday, July 4, 2010
And so it starts
So, my first blog. Its been a very long time since the last time I actually sat down and blogged. And its a little crazy to being doing this again. I so often times lack the ambition to sit and write, or lose focus, or even more so, dont have much to talk about. But here I am. I know Im not alone in this, even though I dont know much of anyone on here, or out there. I wouldnt even know where to start. I wont be long.
Its a curious thing, actually, I have a Myspace page, that I like, never use anymore. But I took the time to look back and read all my posts from when I first started my page till the last post. I know, how bored I must have been. I admit, quite bored, but it was interesting to read and look back and realize how MUCH i had changed in almost 5 years. How depressed, and b!@tchy I was. I pined over things, I look back now, and see how incredibly stupid I was at times. It was interesting to read, or silly in love and how QUICKLY I feel in love with the man of my dreams. Its crazy to think, even though, I was silly, immature, and stupid (I'll admit it) I was, I would just write. And its almost sad to know that I dont write quite nearly enough as I used too. Writing is such a great outlet to release all that is building up inside of you, whether, its love, hatred, sadness, or just a need to express your thought and feelings about certain subjects that we come across.
I dont write poetry like I used too and it disappoints me. I have abandoned my book that I have been writing, which now, had been lost when my hard drive crashed. everything on my computer was lost. I would love to get back into those things again, and hopefully, one day, I shall actually finish writing a book. I wouldnt even care if it didnt get published. Just having the satisfaction of accomplishing something, would be enough. And you, not being prideful or anything, but it was kinda weird reading some of my older poems, and I would get chills reading them. I would read them and think, "naw, this cannot be me? Can it?" I lack inhibition to write poetry like I used too, no matter how dark and twisted it was.
But people change and so is the way of life. Gosh now, just even formulating these thoughts, is almost depressing! Im sorry. This was not the route I was wanting to be taking. And Im sorry if I havent been entertaining enough. So this is it for now. TO another blog, another subject, and some more random ramblings. And I challenge you to enter my world....if you dare....
--end transmittion
AP
* Currently watching: Young Victoria ft: Emily Blunt
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