Unpretty/I Feel Pretty

A song from Glee that brings me to tears. A song that hits too close to home. I'm sure I'm not alone.

For years I have struggled with self-esteem issues. I have never been happy with how I looked. I always thought to myself, "I am too fat. I am too short. I don't have blonde hair. I don't have a pretty face/flawless skin. I hate my teeth, my chin, my thighs. I'm so awkward. I hate my voice and my laugh. I'm too shy so I don't make friends easily. I didn't have a lot of friends. I made friends with the other "ugly ducklings", so I got treated/still get treated as an outcast. And while my friends got boyfriend, I didnt because no guy was interested me. Why would they? For years, I would pretend that it didn't bother me. But I was kidding myself. I hide behind a wall of self hate hoping that some days I would just disappear or become invisible to the world.  Obviously that didn't happen.

I look(ed) around to see everyone happy, happy while I crumbled to pieces on the inside. I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror. I am constantly noticing all that's wrong with me. I'm still fat. I have stretch marks and I don't even have kids yet.  I have a double chin. My skin isn't perfect. I still hate my thighs, and my cottage cheese ass. I want one time, one time where I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. I want to be happy like everyone else. I want to not feel the way I feel. I want to love myself instead of hating myself. I still get the glances, the leers, the glares and dirty  looks.  People are not as discreet as they think they are. It hurts. It hurts everytime. And I know that I am such a hypocrite  telling other people to not care what other people think, when I myself care, desperately! I'm always secretly screaming for approval from others. I want someone to look at me without glancing at me with disgust even its in the briefest of moments. I want people to see me and accept me.

If I was taller, was like a size 2, didn't have glasses, perfect skin,  beautiful smile, silky, shiny hair, pretty toes (even though I hate feet in general), great thighs, nice caboose, nice voice, nice laugh, long graceful neck, legs that went on for miles, perhaps then I'll be happy, people will treat me better. I don't want to live like this. I don't feeling like this. There are days, most days, I wonder what is that Eric sees me. I'm not beautiful, not even pretty at best. I know it's selfish to think that changing myself will make me happier with myself. I just want to be happy with myself, accepting myself. It's an ongoing battle, that I most often lose. Someday, I will conquer.

This is me being a little cynical. But sums me up in quirky little comic. I will end on a positive note. There is one thing I do like about myself:  my nose and my eyes. Perhaps that's a start.....




--End Transmission
AP



*currently listening to: "In My Arms" by Plumb

Long time no blog

So I guess it's been awhile since my last blog and it was a rather heated blog. Sometimes, I just have to write my thoughts and feelings down so I don't explode.

It's been a long and stressful year, for me physically, mentally, and medically.  Some days, I don't know how I survive. It's by the grace of God. I'm sick of doctors. I'm sick of being poked and prodded with no answers. But I will put that aside and continue to pray for answers to at least SOMETHING. One day? *shrugs* not likely.

Eric got a new job, which I am very happy for him. He had been so unhappy with his previous job. He was constantly angry. There were days it was hard to be around him. I told him the same thing when he was unhappy with his job at Stogdills. Either suck it up and stop complaining or get a new job. So he did. I am so thankful he did. He is happier, and hopefully this is a job that he can really grow in. It's better pay (which I will never complain about). And cool thing is? We can carpool. It's interesting to say the least. But I am happy for him none-the-less. Now if only my job....*shakes head*, never going to happen.

Aside from that, we are healthy. We have healthy fur-children. God is good and has provided many blessings on us. Some days I get so wrapped up in my everyday life and forget all what God has done for me and Eric and I.  I know I don't always seem like it, but I am thankful. I have a great husband (who is the handsomest man alive and I adore), I have great friends, who accept me for me,  and I have a family who is supportive. And that's all I need.

So this is all a little random, and I think it's because I am really tired. Perhaps this is a signal to go to bed. Good night to whoever reads this...


--End Transmission
AP



*watching Eric play on XBox