Frustration

I know that in my last blog I talked about being happy.And I am, in my spiritual life, I am. We have found a home where people like us and are taking the time to invest in us. I look forward to these relationships growing. I cannot wait.

However, there are a few certain things in which I am not happy about. Well, for starters, I have been having some issues. Woman issues, that I know that most of you don't want to be hearing about. It's been throwing off my system/cycle   I have had several tests, and all my hormones are in check. I had an ultrasound to see if it was polycystic ovaries and that test came back negative, like I knew they would, because everything that goes wrong with seems to come back negative.  No surprise there, right? *sighs*. 

It all started going down hill when that time came and it was just agonizing pain. I went to the doctor, he placed my on a high dosage of all estrogen pills to help stop everything. Everything was ok for the next couple of months. I went to go see another doctor, one that my insurance would cover. She doesn't seem to know what's wrong or what's the cause for everything. So, the answer? Put me on medication. Again, no surprise there, right? I started the medication, hoping that this would help. Not really. The medication was really hard on me and I had to stop taking it. I can only take feeling nauseous for so long and after almost four weeks straight, I had to stop.

I had my checkup last month. Still the same answer, "I dont know what's wrong". I give them little credit that at least they are honest when they say "I dont know what's wrong" instead of leading you around like a dog on a leash trying to fish for something and give you vague answers. *sighs*. At this checkup the doc gave me two choices, continue the medication. To which, I replied, "I can't, or the dosage has to be lowered." This was first option. I buckled down and tried it again. After a week or two with the nausea from this blasted medication. I said enough was enough. Time for option number two.

Option #2: go back on birth control for like six months in order to reboot my system. I talked it over with Eric, who was willing to move forward with this idea.  I called the doctor, who was willing to give me a couple of months samples. I haven't started it yet, but honestly, I am not sure if I am looking forward to it. We are already having no luck getting pregnant, and here I am going back onto the pill which is to prevent pregnancy. I don't know if I want to go through with this. I don't want to go through with this. It breaks my heart. All Eric wants is to get me healthy, but I think to myself, that will never happen.

I want children. It's such a burning desire and it just breaks heart, when I hear about the next person who gets pregnant, when I hear about the next person who just had a baby.  I am so saddened to the point of anger. I am angry. Angry, that it can't happen. Now on top of top of that, Im going to take something that will hinder our chances even more?  There are days that I just want to break down. One of these day I just know that I am going to crack and I wont be able to take it anymore and Im not going to tell the next person I hear is pregnant that I am happy for them.  I just want to cry and cry and beat my fists and kick my feet. But that is childish. 

Will this ever end?  Perhaps we shall see. I pray that this works. That I can just buckle down and get this started and perhaps that this will work. I pray that I can get some answers even it is just more than the "The I don't know what's wrong with you".